If you have you ever been eaten alive by the ‘little green eyed’ monster you will know that it is not a very pleasant experience. Strangely, I never believed that I was a jealous person until I was faced the possibility that my partner might prefer someone else. I literally saw green and understanding that green is the colour of our energetic heart centre it made perfect sense. Most of us will probably have at some time experienced jealousy in romantic attachments however, a the more common pervasively undermining jealousy is underscored by how secure or safe we feel.
This is based on our imperative to exist. It started in a hostile world where we needed to be the centre of our mother’s attention so that when danger happened, we would the first offspring to be protected. So, the more noise you create by making a nuisance of yourself the greater the likelihood your mother has of keeping you in the forefront of her mind. Focused attention means that we block out other information in favour of what we are attending to. So, jealousy has a good reason for existing – your life.
But sometimes children learn that protesting doesn’t work, generally because their is another sibling taking up all the mother’s time. There is not spare cognitive resources to spare for them so they have to find ways to manage themselves. They often do this by shutting down or deflecting their feelings and become a rescuer or people pleaser.
I coach sensitive empathic women who suffer from the ‘disease to please’ and what I often see is that at the heart of their inability to celebrate other people’s successes, feel gratitude, be open hearted, joyful or happy, is JEALOUSY. Sadly, when jealousy is unchecked it often consumes a person and leaves very little room for anything good to come in. Moreover, from my own personal experience and also from clients I treated, I have found that the only way to truly deal with jealousy is to go through a process of owning it. You have to own it, forgive yourself and take steps to LOVE YOURSELF MORE.
Easier said than done, especially when you have had a lifetime of disconnecting from jealous feelings. Most women under these circumstances often find it very hard to accept they are jealous and will usually often vehemently deny it. They have learnt to be the ultimate rescuer, doing a noble cause, so how can they possibly be jealous. Their disgusted at the thought of jealous makes it very difficult for them to accept and therefore, they really need to understand jealousy in another way.
Understanding allows our head and heart to connect and see the deeper truths. By doing this it allows us to bring in compassion so we can normalise jealousy without running into self-destructive behaviours, which we normally use to punish ourselves. Current neurobiological research shows during moments of jealousy that areas associated with social pain and pair bonding become highly activated. So, we literally feel intense physical pain with jealousy. Research also show that when looking at brain activations between emotional and sexual fidelity, women are more affected by emotional infidelity.
Thus it appears that women experience emotional rejection greatly. If we generalise this out a little, we already know that women have a higher sensitively level to pain and we also know that women are primed to be in family or social groups, and therefore actively seek social bonding. For them social isolation it is incredibly painful for them but, there is a price for this luxury of being in social groups, which is that we have to fit in and follow rules. To do this sacrifices will have to be made because the option of rejection, is infinitely worse.
Unfortunately, every time a sensitive young girl experiences rejection (real or perceived) she gets traumatised and often deals with this trauma by disconnecting from her feeling. This is good temporary option as it give her a level of control but in the long run she doesn’t develop a reference point for those feelings. So, when she tries to make sense of why she keeps repeating patterns so can’t access them easily.
Worse still, she often becomes the good child or quiet child and retreats into the background. Sadly, because she hasn’t really learnt connection skills when she tries to get her needs met, they usually get discounted, overlooked or ignored. She may even be told, not to be jealous. Consequently, she learns to become ashamed of having these feeling, because if she does acknowledge them, she immediately becomes a horrible or mean person. And who wants to have a horrible person around them? So, the choice is clear what to she has do and that starts a lifetime of struggle with managing jealous feeling.
To reiterate, the only way to deal with jealousy is to own it because when we own something, we have possession of it and therefore, we can do with it what we want, we are in control. I have found that healing jealousy can’t be done in a one off session because these are hurts go very deep. We need time to dive deeply to find those core truths, that will allow you to begin laying down the foundation that is unshakeable in your beliefs about yourself, your place in the world and what you are destined for.
In my 90-day Women of Substance and Leadership program I emboldened women to stand in their Sovereignty and take back control, say NO, safely navigate relationship boundaries so they can have a lifestyle that is healthier, happier more loving and fun.
So, if you would like help to manage those jealous thoughts that go circling around that deplete you of experiencing happiness, joy and love in your life. Feel lost, indecisive, can’t get traction in whatever you are doing or seem to be living in the shadows of someone else’s life and you have had enough then please click on the link and together we can see how we can create a destiny path that is just right for you